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Happy relationships

People are unique and many relationships are successful despite different beliefs or religions. However, that requires significant compromises and concessions, either mutual or one-sided. Awesome if that works for you. Unfortunately for most people, that does not work out so well. So, instead of trying to patch differences in morality with compromises and concessions, how about addressing and fixing the cause of the problem?

Happy relationships
Happy relationships

Morality or jealousy being at the roots of most relationship conflicts, the better solution is to respect ethics above all, set aside the morality that conflicts with ethics and practice compersion to overcome jealousy.

But morality is the same as ethics? Not at all. They share some principles, the ones that make sense, but more often than not they are conflicting with each other and that's what is messing up your life. Yet, it is easy to tell them apart: ethics are about humanity, they are pretty much the same the world over which goes a long way toward avoiding arguments, crusades and wars caused by differences in morality. Morality, on the other hand, comes in 101 flavors depending on who you choose to follow or what book you read and, worse yet, how you choose to interpret what you are reading. Human history is filled with genocides and massacres justified by those differences of interpretations.

If following the edicts of a moral authority or that of a book is more important to you than your personal feelings and desires, then limit your relationships only to people who share the same moral beliefs than you do. Don't impose your morality upon others any more than you would not agree to abandon your own and submit to theirs.

Jealousy is an irrational emotion of insecurity, the fear of losing someone. It is a relationship's worst enemy as there cannot be trust if there is jealousy. Jealousy is keeping the bird in the cage, compersion is to let the bird be free and enjoy watching its freedom and happiness.

Do you have matching sex drives?

In a new relationship, you have most likely never talked about that until after a few weeks under the sheets when one of you sheepishly said “It is a bit much for me” or “I could use a little more”. You are considering spending a lifetime with that person, about a third of that time in bed with them, and you did think about that issue since the first day you met “mmm … I wonder how much sex he/she likes?”, but “How do you like to spend your birthday?”, a once a year occasion, seemed to be a more appropriate question to ask first!

The real question is not how much, but do you match? There is no such thing as not enough or too much, only partners that are not sexually well matched to be satisfied without annoying each other, or worse. Sex is more important to some people and less important to others, there is no right or wrong, just differences that absolutely need to be addressed as early as possible upon considering a new relationship as that is far more likely to make or break that relationship than accomplishing the perfect birthday. Even asexual people can enjoy relationships … with other asexual people, with anyone else it would not just be a lifetime of compromise, but also a repression of natural feelings for the more sexual partner and a feeling of guilt for the other. Needless to say, a relationship with more than two partners does take the pressure off the partner who needs less while providing a more satisfying sex life to the one who needs more. That’s an important benefit of non-monogamous relationships.

Open and inclusive relationships

Let’s understand the difference between open and inclusive relationships: open means that the partners can have other relationships. Inclusive means that all partners share the same relationship,, this is usually the case for polyamorous relationships. Open relationships are easier to live with, but they are more difficult to schedule than inclusive relationships as they are distinct relationships, each requiring their own time periods. While inclusive relationships require more give and take from all the partners, they are much easier to live with as the multiple relationship takes place within the same dimensions of space and time, understanding that although inclusive, it does not mean that all partners live together.

References good to read:

  1. EXCELLENT READING: Do Open Relationships Work? - Psychology Today
  2. What Does Open Relationship Mean? - WebMD
  3. 'What if he finds someone better?': the agony and the ecstasy of an open relationship - The Guardian